I wish living with anxiety and depression could be easily explained, but it's not. All I can say is that the up and down rollercoasting (often, within hours) is exhausting. People more intelligent than I am have come up with clever metaphors and examples, but at the end of the day - they're just that - ideas that we use to attempt to compare an idea to something familiar. The dragging-yourself-out-of-bed difficulty of it all is lost in the translation.

But on those days when you are free and hope finds a way to radiate itself like sunshine through your lifestream, it feels like the moment before you open the front door, your friend waiting outside in the car to take you somewhere. Like hearing your favorite song playing in the grocery store as you're in the bread aisle. It feels like those golden hours peeking over the mountain and you're 10 years old, running around in cutoff shorts and tennis shoes with a lace that came undone. Like being on the swings pumping higher and higher before you decide to leap off, flying in the air, if only for a moment.  It feels like laughing so much that you cannot see, and later when you go to tell someone, you cannot even start the story without giggling. It feels like you had to be there. Like getting into the car and deciding to go somewhere without planning anything in advance. It feels like a day where you lived your life instead of thinking about it.

I have a ton to catch up on, but I wanted to say this: it's my birthday tomorrow, and I turn 23.  

This is a strange thought. Mostly it's because I thought I would feel older, but now I understand what my uncle means when he writes, "Happy birthday! Now you're almost as old as me!" on a card every year. 

I wanted to make some sort of record of being 22, because this might have been the craziest year yet. 

1. I graduated college with a degree that I wasn't totally miserable about/didn't fill me with unsatisfying regret, AND I didn't end up in the hospital once due to a hernia or malnutrition. Then two weeks later, I got an email from school saying that I was three credits short, and I would have to take an online class. 

That news almost put me in a hospital. 

Hooray for class of (December) 2014.

2. I survived the first year of being without Brianne, the light of my life, while she is on her mission. Madisen was gone too, and I said goodbye to two more friends because of missions. Kelsi got engaged and that was harder than I thought it would ever be to deal with. But here I am today, a little bit better at being alone than I used to be. (At least, I'm crying about it less. I feel like that part is worth mentioning.)

3. It was only a little bit, but I did some traveling this year. Last year it was San Francisco with Brianne, and this year it was Portland with Chris for Kelsi's wedding. I wonder where next year will take me?

4. I moved back home to California. Then I moved to Utah. This move was maybe one of the top three most spontaneous things I've ever done. As I was driving home from work yesterday, I was thinking about this. Do I feel like a Utah resident yet? I think the honest answer is no. 

I still respond (mouth agape) with a, "at my old school, we never...." when someone tells me shorts are allowed on BYU's campus. But I spent my whole life in California and then the past four years in Idaho, and those two hold very special places in my heart, so I excuse myself of this annoying behavior.

5. I got a poem published in Sonoma State's magazine. And I didn't let anyone read it because there was a flippant line dedicated to my Relief Society president who lived downstairs at the time that I wrote it. It said the word "Hell," thereby confirming the fact that I am not a perfect person, but instead, a passive-agressive person. Thank you Garrett Sherwood, for introducing me to the world of slam poetry. And thank you, Jim Richards, for making me submit your poetry as your T.A., and consequently teaching me about how to submit my own stuff.

6. I got pulled over for the first time ever, for speeding home from Shari's (this is Idaho equivalent of Denny's, only with better pie). I'm glad I had a car full of friends with me, otherwise I might have cried. In fact, I would have.

7. I had a job at Zupa's. And then I quit after two weeks and got my current job. Utah's "free to quit suddenly without notice" rule is the best and the worst thing that's ever happened to me. I got my first credit card (something that I hate/fills me with anxiety) and started paying my own rent and groceries and other terribly adult things. I make up for this by listening to Disney soundtracks on the way to work.

8. My hair caught on fire. (Did I tell you?) This is about as horrifying as it sounds, and smells twice as bad as you would think. My bangs are about two inches long and I just pretend that I'm punk rock and gutsy enough to get a weird choppy haircut like that.

9. I bought guinea pigs so I would have living things that depended on me for life. The goal was to help me feel less lonely after I got here, but more than anything, they gave me crazy anxiety. And really bad allergy reactions. I only had them for a week, and I only just told my mom about it.

10. I started doing the things that I love again, like drawing and reading and music things. In the last few weeks, I've even started writing some of my own stuff, which is something that I've never had the confidence to do in the past.

I'm still working on learning how to spend my time wisely so I could accomplish everything that I want to do, while simultaneously telling myself to chill out and have some unscheduled, unstructured time to do nothing. Included with this should be the idea or the hope that getting back into these would help me figure out what I want to do my life and get me on that path. (Stay tuned.)

11. I was called to be a temple prep teacher earlier this year at church. This was completely bizarre to me because I had never gone through the temple, and had no immediate plans to. There were a few lessons where I was generous to release the class a few minutes early. (This is really because I ran out of things to talk about.) But over the summer, I felt that I should start preparing to go through the temple. I don't have a date picked yet, but it will be happening in the next few months.

12. I made a Christmas cover cd. It was really fun and I loved putting it together. I'm going to redo it again now that I know what I'm getting myself into so it will sound better, but I'm going to add a few songs to it, I think. If I have the time.

I know there are probably a ton of things that I am forgetting about, but I feel like everyone should take inventory of their year, just to see where you've been and who you've become.

It's been a wild ride.

Madisen and I took Tim and her friend Justin to go see Deep Love in SLC yesterday.

The show is so so different, even from last year, and it was pure glory.

I get so emotional and filled with these proud mother feelings. It's stupid. 

I wrote about my love for Deep Love here, but it honestly has changed my life. The day I went to watch it set off a chain of events and introduced me to so many new things that I would have never discovered on my own. And it will always always always have a place in my heart because of that.

Ok I'm so cheesy I know. Just let me have this.

Then we went out to Denny's for dinner and we had pumpkin pancakes and so much laughter and I really needed this night out.

(On the way to Madisen's house.)

I was at a friend's house last night because I'm trying to get to know them better and expand my nonexistent social circle, and we were watching a tv show. We watched three episodes, which was roughly 2.5 hours. And I went home, real mad at myself because of the amount of time I spent doing nothing.

 At the time, I justified it because I was "spending time with friends," but there wasn't a ton of socializing - we were gathered around a screen. Don't get me wrong. I enjoy a good movie or show from time to time, and this is what a lot of my friends want to do when we hang out. 

I've been thinking a lot lately...thinking about the way I spend my time, and how intentional I want to be. There are things I want to do. There are hobbies and talents I'd like to develop. And now that I'm done with school, I have less time than ever, but more and more things I'd like to improve at - stuff like music and art and writing and whatnot.

So I don't really know what I'm saying. Am I criticizing the way people my age enjoy bonding with each other nowadays? Am I advocating for alone time? Do I just wish I was surrounded by people who like doing all of the same things I do? I dunno.

All I'm sure of is that I think that I want my hobbies to start aligning with my ambitions. I know that the job I have is alright for now, but I don't want to be a receptionist forever. I can't stop all of these creative inclinations raging inside me, so I need a new dream - a new goal to wake up every morning and help me realize that hard work is worth it.

A lot of things have happened since I last wrote. I moved to Utah!

I had a job interview on August 27th, and moved up on the 31st. 

It's been...crazy, hectic, and strangely wonderful, all at the same time. Some people have applauded me for just leaving home like that, and I guess that after a month of job searching and getting absolutely no interviews or anything, I felt like I had to go when the opportunity arose. 

This has been a huge exercise in trusting the Lord, and at first, I thought I was doing pretty well. But on the first day of work and living on my own, I came home feeling a little gloomy.  I was feeling so alone after a stressful day of work, and I started panicking, wondering, "Oh my gosh, what have I done? This is so crazy, what am I doing here? What if this wasn't the right thing to do?"

I will be honest and say it hasn't been easy, but it hasn't been horrible either. I am doing well, even if I am scared sometimes. But after stressful days at work and when loneliness sets in, I have always been comforted. This past week, I have turned to the Lord so often, telling Him about my worries and fears. There is so much to learn at work and I don't feel like I'm very good at it, so I ask for His help that I might grow and be able to handle whatever is given to me. I tell Him that I am in a strange new place and I don't want to be by myself, so He sends me dear friends or loved ones, and that helps me get through another day. He sends me comfort in the little things that I love.

It has been a testament to me that the Lord knows me individually - my thoughts and concerns - and He is listening. He cares about me and though moving to Utah didn't solve all of my problems (and instead gave me different ones), He is leading down a great path. Sometimes I get frustrated that I can't see from the eternal perspective that He has, but it's His way of telling me to me to let go, and to let Him guide the way. Letting go is so so hard, but I remind myself (often) that what I'm feeling and what I'm going through now will not last forever. But in the meantime, all I can do is turn to Him and trust in the plan He has for me.

The last two weeks I've been really bummed as I've been searching for a job...or just a sense of direction in general. I'll set an hour or two aside to job search every day. I've got family and friends on the lookout for me, and I appreciate it - it's really great of them, but so far, nothing has come of it. There have been a few rejections, but mostly, I don't hear back from people and we all know how frustrating that is.

And that's how I end up feeling at the end of these sessions - frustrated, disappointed, and upset. It's hard not to feel hopeless when you are actively participating in something that causes you to feel like you're not good enough, you're not qualified, or that everything you've done has been a waste of time.  It's hard not to feel like a failure when you have no friends nearby to comfort you, or feel like anyone takes notice of you at all. Of course this isn't true, but this is a difficult thing to remind yourself every single day.

The other day I was feeling depressed about it, so I thought, "Maybe I just need to have a good cry. I'll just listen to some sad music and get out all of the things that are annoying me." I thought about it for a minute and then decided - what's the point of that? I'm usually an advocate of crying, at least for myself, but I failed to see how it would help me in this situation.

I sat and thought about it some more, and came to the conclusion that I just need to pick positivity, and choose to be happy. Just like that. And it wasn't like a wave of warmth and compassion washed over me and my troubles were instantly consoled, but it felt real. I could see the hardships in my mind. All of the disappointment and exasperation would probably continue (as life does), but I knew that once I changed the way I saw things, I would find a happiness or joy that was more comforting.

I went through my quotes board on Pinterest to try to find something nice to put with this post. I couldn't choose one, so I picked these four that all have something to do with how I'm feeling. I'm sure it's how a lot of us are feeling.

So I guess what I want to say is this: even when it's so so hard and you don't know where to turn next, and you don't feel as strong as you actually are, do whatever you need to to muster up the smallest bit of hope and keep on going. Choose happiness and positivity. Choose to say: I'm not going to let this get me down. There are so many people that believe in you, even when you feel alone. But remember that it's you that has carried you through every hard time and it is you that saw things through till the end. Do whatever you need to to cultivate that hope in your heart, because that is what's going to help you carry on.

Grab your torch and pitchforks I guess. There's something that I want to get off my chest.

Today I sat in Relief Society and participated in a lesson about Priesthood. Of course, that lead to the discussion of Ordain Women. I always get nervous about that, so I made my comments and then listened - as I like to do that and then sort out all my thoughts as the hour goes on. This wasn't the first time Ordain Women has been mentioned, but I feel like this was one of the first times that I was involved in a discussion about it.

And I can't tell you how disappointed I was.

First of all, when I see people writing about Ordain Women, I often see how quick they are to say "I'm not with them!"

I'm not with or against anybody, but I do want to say this: I know that the power of the Priesthood is a wonderful thing in my life, and brings me comfort. Without it I could not have been baptized, go to the temple, have a Patriarchal Blessing, etc. etc. I also know that one of the main purposes of the Priesthood, is to serve and assist others, and act in the name of Christ. Men cannot use these for themselves - they cannot lay their hands on their own head to give themselves a blessing, they must go turn to someone else.

But this question of whether women should be able to have the Priesthood has brought up many more questions regarding the role of women in the church. So instead of making any sort of argument for or against OW, I just want to talk about the reactions that I've been seeing concerning the movement.

More than anything, it's really distressing to see the type of "Other-ing" that is taking place. When O.W. gained recognition in 2013, I mostly saw it from men - really vile comments that showed me that misogyny/sexism is alive and well, friends!
(Think something along the lines of "Learn your place and go make me a sandwich." Really sad, but true. I wish I had taken a screenshot, but at the same time, I'm glad I didn't.) But today I experienced it from my fellow Sisters in Relief Society as well, and it really let me down.

There were comments about how "these women squawking down in front of the Conference building" didn't understand the doctrine, and how we couldn't get too upset with them for the things they don't understand. But in the little research I've done, I know that there are so many women apart of the movement who have served missions, gone through the temple, and hold callings in their ward. One girl called them "selfish" for wanting the Priesthood, implying that motherhood is not enough. And knowing that, I just don't know if the girls in my RS were in a place to be making those sort of judgements. There is a difference between not understanding, and holding a different view. And maybe some people apart of OW don't understand doctrine well enough, but I think that can be said for a lot of us. I know I'm no expert on gospel doctrine, but I try. So do you, I bet.

Others argued that the OW "wasn't logical" and just didn't make sense. "I'm so glad I don't have the Priesthood," one girl said. "I don't want that kind of responsibility!"
But it didn't seem like many of them were trying to put themselves in the shoes of the women who do advocate women Priesthood holders. And in that failure to see another's point of view, my RS was distancing themselves farther and farther away from women who are their sisters.

It just made me so uncomfortable to see this not so much as a discussion, but more of an attack - throwing people that they didn't even know under the bus. I understand if they disagree with the movement - I'm perfectly fine with that. But to see all of these comments coming from a place of judgement more than Christ-like love and concern was really disheartening.

I wanted to say something like, "Hey guys, can we settle down here with the bad vibes?" and I was trying to think of a way to say it without getting upset, when another girl raised her hand and basically said the same thing - that we need to stop being so harsh. I was really grateful for her bravery in a room of other girls who were voicing strong opinions.

But man. If the human inability to empathize with one another doesn't disappoint me, I don't know what else does.
Christ loves and welcomes all - even those who are struggling with unpopular questions, and we shouldn't fear those who see things differently. We've got righteous judgement and all that. Feel free to disagree with people who advocate for OW, gay marriage, Obama's policies - whatever it might be - just...do it with love. Pray for understanding and compassion. We (members of the church) are all trying to accomplish the same goal. People who aren't members - they deserve love too. So let's help each other out because life isn't easy, yeah?

It's been weird since I've posted last, so I'll try to describe this as accurately as I felt it.

Things have been so so good lately, but things have been freakin terrible, as well.
But then there was this guy I used to know and thought he was cute, so for two weeks I tried to muster up the courage to go talk to say hi and talk to him. Two weeks. And every time I didn't do it, I went home hating myself for not being brave enough, and it was a really miserable time.
So finally I did it, and celebrated that victory. I was ready to keep it up, but then I saw him eating lunch with some girl, and for whatever reason, that was so disappointing to try to deal with.

It's rough being a young, single Mormon person sometimes - I don't know if we give people enough credit. Most of my friends are moving on in life, and I'm getting left behind. I feel like I'm doing life wrong when I look and see all these people around me in relationships and I can't even score a freakin date. When I'm especially upset, I wonder why I can't be deserving of affection, and then I have to do my best to try and build myself up again, because I can't allow that sort of toxic thinking into my life.

There have been so many times this semester, (this event is just one of them) but so many times that I can't even count, where I have felt maybe the loneliest I've ever felt. And each of those times, I would pray and ask the Lord, Why does it seem like every time I try to make a change in my life, it all falls flat? Why am I alone all of the time? What is your purpose in doing this, what are you trying to teach me?

My faith has grown this semester, but it has moments of weakness, just like anyone else. And it wasn't necessarily that I was mad and screaming at Him. These prayers were really quite heartfelt  they were asked out of frustration and confusion, where I was going to Him saying, "I just don't understand..."

If I can assign or impose any sort of purpose, this semester (so far) has been to teach me about the Lord's timing, and that I need to trust in Him. Completely. It's so hard to do that though, because I like to be in control. I like to know what's going on, what's going to happen. I am starting to see now just a fraction of what this means, to trust the Lord's timing, and realize that He is orchestrating great events in my life. I just have to be patient, so I've asked for help with that as well - asking for help to be patient and keep in mind His purposes for me and my life, to align my will with His will. It's hard y'all.

I can tell you that every time I prayed earnestly, each time I told Him, "I actually don't think I can do this anymore. This hurts too much, and I don't think I can go on without sinking into a depression," and I was always comforted. Always.
It wasn't always immediate, sometimes it even took a day or so, but I always woke up feeling better, or experienced something during the day that helped me realize, "Life isn't so horrible. There are still beautiful things in my life, I am still being blessed." I have never been left comfortless, and I am incredibly grateful for that.

Al Carraway (Fox) is one of my favorite people you know, because she is such a great example to me. She always turns to her faith in times of hardship, and I'm trying to be more like that. I read this blog post and it was really comforting because she talks about her husband and says, "I thought I'd have to eventually settle, or compromise. But the thing about Heavenly Father is that if you are trying and you are patient, you will never be short changed from the best blessings in life."

That really speaks to me, because she is such an incredible person and it brings me a lot of comfort to know that she struggled with these same feelings as well. Now she's married, she has like two dogs, and is pregnant. Her and her husband are a team and they build each other up and they're so happy. She's living the dream.

So like every other time I've had a freak out about my single-hood or have been frustrated with my situation, I just have to come back to this thought: don't worry about it. Do what you can, continue to develop your relationship with God - but work on yourself so you can be an awesome person, and maybe you'll find an awesome person and you two will conquer the world together. But don't think that someone is going to swoop in and save you from all of your problems. Most often, you have to save yourself.

Ok. So. I haven't written for awhile. 

But I just want to say that I've been doing well lately. Which is really nice, because I've been having a difficult time this semester, trying to make new friends and find things to throw myself into. 

One of the things I was trying to work on and was praying for inspiration for, was someone that needed some special attention, someone that needed a friend, but I wasn't having a lot of luck. I was feeling really helpless and didn't know what to do.

But this week was really nice, and there were a lot of moments where I knew that I was being looked out for. My issues with anxiety come and go, and at least, when I try to deal with it, I tend to have a "fake it till you make it" approach. Sometimes it makes me wonder what is the truest version of myself, but this week, I felt free - not worrying about looking dumb, not worrying about what I would talk to strangers about. It feels so so great. 

So what I'm thinking is, I just needed to feel what it's like to be alright myself, before I could do anything to help anyone else. I'm excited to try and keep this up and see what happens next.

Also, one of my best friends Tim came home from Hong Kong today, and I'm so so excited for him and his family!!! I can't wait for things to settle down so he can call me sometime.

(Tim, if you see this - I feel like I don't need to explain myself. You and I are no strangers to stalking each other. Also, call me!)

We are asked to be vigilant in the strengthening of our testimonies and our relationships with Christ, and we know that vigilance is required to overcome the daily battle with the adversary.
We might have the intention to do this every day, but it is possible to put in our best effort consistently?
Can there be no days where fatigue gets the best of us?

While this is a fair question, I think it is just that - a question asked out of exhaustion.
We know the answer.

Perhaps then, what we should ask for is the strength to carry on, in the moments when we feel inclined to offer less than our best.

I've been thinking a bit about why we openly celebrate the mistakes or "the fall" of others.
I know that I have not been exempt from this, especially in the past.

But once I saw it happen to someone I really really look up to, someone I really admire.
And I knew his side. He was struggling.
His mental problems were out on display for all to see,
and they mocked and ridiculed him relentlessly.
"Oh how the mighty have fallen!" they cheered.
They laughed while taking pictures and recording videos, sharing his lowest moment with the entire world.
They published this moment like an advertisement in newspapers.

I wanted to stand on a building with a microphone to defend him.
"You don't know him!" I'd say. "He's the kindest, most enthusiastic and uplifting soul."
But it wouldn't matter, because the damage was done.

And I had seen the other side of the fallen. I vowed to myself that I would never do that to anyone ever again. I would never be so unkind and unsympathetic.

I've noticed this thing that we do, (especially-mostly-with celebrities) where we find some twisted gratification in those who reveal their human flaws.
No matter what the circumstance-drugs, DUI's, affairs-we indulge and find pleasure in the faults of others.

Is it because it takes some sort of scandal for us to realize and understand that they are people, instead of the "perfect" public figures we've made them out to be?
What does this say about us as a culture that cares all too much about the private lives of the famous?

I'm taking a C.S. Lewis class this semester and it's interesting - the way my professor has set it up - because we "read at" Lewis instead of reading him. So we jump around in different books but read about similar themes. I wanted to start putting down my thoughts on our readings.

“Men are reluctant to pass over from the notion of an abstract and negative deity to the living God.” (Lewis, Miracles, pg. 383)—

After reading and discussing Lewis’ ideas in “Miracles,” I have been left to ponder my relationship with God. I fear that I have made Him out to be the “impersonal God,” or the “subjective God” that Lewis has warned of. I know He is the living and true God, and this I have never doubted; there have been too many blessings and miracles, too many instances where He revealed Himself to me to be my Creator, my loving Father in Heaven. As we read Christ’s words in John 14:6, we know that “[He is] the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by [Him].” Later in verse 18, Christ reminds us that “[He] will not leave [us] comfortless.” Even in the darkest of times, I have felt that comfort in some way or another, and it because of these many instances that I cannot feel neglected or abandoned by both Christ or God. And if I do feel distant from either, it is because I was the one who moved from their presence. 
      We should all stop and consider our relationship with God. No matter where you are on the journey, there is always room for improvement. How can our relationship with our Father in Heaven remain, how can we remain satisfied with our current state?
      I feel impelled to question everything.

I try to be good and obedient, but perhaps in my obedience, I have forgotten to question His purpose. He does not necessarily want us to be good for the sake of being good, but asks us to do His will for His cause; He asks for our obedience so we might accomplish His works, and that we might return to live with Him again. 

The troubled Franny Glass in J.D. Salinger’s “Franny & Zooey,” was chastised by her older brother Zooey for not knowing who Christ was, though she was trying to communicate with him through constant repetition of the “Christ prayer.” I desire to have a better understanding of both who Christ and God were and who they are now, but first I must ask myself: what am I doing to prevent myself from knowing God as He wants me to know Him? In my (potentially) misguided obedience, am I pushing myself farther from Him and His purpose?

The only thing I can think of doing is to get to know Him, and Christ, to read about their examples in the scriptures that have been provided for us, and in my prayers, ask for help as I try to establish a new relationship with them. I feel as though if I pursue this process of becoming re-acquainted with them and truly getting to know and understand them, I will become “good” through knowing them, instead of just being “good.” I want to do all I can do “follow Him, and give all my life to Him.”

Kelsi, Chris, and Brianne have heard me drone on about this, but I have never really articulated my feelings about Deep Love for anyone else. It wasn't until a week or so ago that I realized why it means so much to me.

My experience with Deep Love started in the fall of 2011, when Brianne and I were both doing things for I-Comm at school. Brianne was photographing for the Scroll newspaper, and was assigned to shoot this rehearsal of a show in Idaho Falls. She came back that night just overflowing with praise, telling me that we had to go see it the next day. So we did. 

I was looking around for the place to buy tickets, and the stage manager came up to me and asked if I wanted to be an usher. I said of course, and from that moment on, Deep Love had my heart. 

(Fall 2011)     

We even went out to eat with the cast afterward. That was a lot of fun.

I've ushered with Kelsi and Brianne every year since then. They do so much to improve it and make it memorable for the audience, and I keep telling all of my friends to go see it because it is fantastic. Each year I find myself looking forward to Deep Love season like it is some sort of twisted holiday.

Deep Love had a domino affect on my life though. The following spring, one of the co-authors, Garrett Sherwood, started up the Rexburg poetry slam. We decided to try our hand at it. I doubt I'm any good, but it's really exhilarating, standing up and baring your soul to some strange crowd. Kelsi even won 2nd place one time. 

We made friends with people who played in the orchestra; many have left or graduated by now, but there are a few left, and I still keep in touch with them. 

And of course, I freaked when I saw that Jon and Ryan had made it on The Voice as Midas Whale. I went to their show at the tabernacle last semester, and it was really really fun - really entertaining. 

In addition to all this, is the fact that it's made me think about all things music related. Now that I've finally gotten Chris excited about Deep Love, we were just sitting in awe, critiquing everything. "Did you hear that vocal slide-um, WOW!" "Listen to the trumpet in that section there!" The show inspires us to write music and to push ourselves vocally, to try new things.

The point is: this is a sappy post. This is because sometimes I am a sappy person. But how can I help but be emotional when I think about the impact that a friend's photo assignment had on my life?
Everything changed; I made some friends, got involved with some out-of-the-ordinary extracurricular activities, and it helped me realize different parts of myself. This is the experience I've had with it, and I've only been an usher. Like, I am so far removed from this show, but still, it has been an incredible ride.

Yesterday Brianne called me for the last time.

We talked for an hour and we talked about Fourth Estate, and she told me how she had been spending time with her family in Utah.

Then she had to go, and it was still a strange goodbye; only strange because of how normal it feels. Whether she's calling to say - she's coming home from class in 5 minutes and do I want to go read at the park? or she's leaving for 18 months and I guess this is finally it now - it always ends with "I love you."

Because that's the truth.

And it still hasn't hit me. I often wonder when it will.

It will probably come in a few weeks, when I go back and am faced with the trials of college life. Or maybe it will happen when I want to talk about life and ideas, because she is better at that than anyone, (for me.)

A few weeks ago, I interviewed for this online improvement position at school. I feel as though the interview went really well, and was excited about this potential job for fall semester. However, when I walked away, I immediately felt dissatisfied. I realized that though it was a great interview, I didn't care about this job at all. The sense of security that accompanies the promise of income was instantly shattered, and I felt impressed to walk up to the english office and try to find another job as a TA, though no one is currently hiring. The Online people called back the next day, and I turned down the job. Maybe I am an idiot for doing that, but we'll see what happens.

Then a few weeks ago, I saw that Pixar was hiring a Production Management intern. I felt like my past experiences made me more qualified for that position than the other animation internships that I have applied for in the past. I felt really confident and hopeful, thinking: maybe this is the reason why I felt terrible after the first job interview, because I would be interning at Pixar!

I received an email a few days ago saying that they were going to go with someone else who would be a better fit for the job. That was a hard blow to take.

I have a feeling that these next few weeks - few months - will really come to shape and define my character. And I say this for many reasons, some being that I will need to learn how to/improve the way I handle situations.

Now, and in the upcoming weeks I will need to:

- truly learn how to let go of things that have ended and appreciate what they were and what those memories/experience did for me.

- in addition to that - learn how to let go of the ideas I have for myself, the ones that "define" me, and throw them out the window. Though, I can't leave everything up to God. I have to be proactive about my goals as well.

- learn how to find happiness that is born out of optimism and enthusiasm, despite my inclinations to indulge in the selfishness that comes with sadness.

- learn how to love others and to serve them with patience and grace.

- continue to humble myself and rely on the Lord, when I often find myself with the desire to be independent, needing no one.

I am at a crossroads right now, and it's not because of the departure of my best friend.

I feel kind of like this picture here, standing on the edge of eternity.

There is so much that can happen, so much that I wish would happen, and so much that I need to do. There are many opportunities, many directions my life can take from this point in time.

No matter where I end up, I have to believe that things will be alright.

Last thursday, I had the incredible opportunity to attend Invisible Children's Fourth Estate.

This is the second time I've gotten to go, and they outdid themselves. I don't know how they pull off the things that they do, but I am so so grateful for all that they did for us and all that we learned.

I don't like to share too much of this, just because it's so hard to explain to people who weren't there. They don't understand, and my words aren't enough. But here were some thoughts/ideas that I really enjoyed:


"Your life is bigger than your best dream for it." - Jason Russell

Anger can eat you up, or you can turn it into an incredible force that you can use to transform the world. - Amy Eldon

The good stuff, the hard stuff, the memories, the relationships - it all matters - Jamie Tworkowski

"'No' doesn't always mean 'no', sometimes it means 'not now'". - Dave (The Buried Life)

"It's the things that aren't supposed to exist that serve as evidence to us that the world can change, and that we can change it." - Dan Pallota

"As long as you live a life based on consumption instead of contribution, you will never find that peace." - Alexis Jones

You don't have to diminish one side of your personality, because you are awesome and ridiculous and beautiful and smart, and that is you. - Sophia Bush

"A do-gooder will do good no matter who is on the receiving end." - Linda Sarsour

Prejudice is man made, and we can undo that. - Jay Naidoo

Smash people in the face with a whole 'nother level of humility and confidence. - Gary Haugen

"There was such liberation when my dream disintegrated. All of a sudden, it was a blank slate, and it was an invitation for discovery." - Jedidiah Jenkins

(These photos are not mine. I got them off of the IC blog.)

Also, Hans Zimmer had this theme written for us. It's by Leland Cox, who is incredible. He was there with the H.Z. orchestra playing it for us on saturday night, which was also his 22nd birthday. He composed this at 22?!?! 

What have I done today??

You need to listen to it. Right now.

I've wanted to write about something that I've struggled with this semester, but have had to push away until I had time to deal with it.

The end of this semester marks some rather large changes in my life.

A lot of them. In a pretty short amount of time.

On friday, I had to say goodbye to my boss, Brother Brown. He got a new job on the east coast and he's leaving the school. I've known about it since the beginning of the semester, but I never really had time to deal with it. And my way of dealing with it would entail me being gloomy and sad, and that's not how I wanted to spend my last semester as his T.A.

It's been a great semester. I taught a few times, and had both the best and the worst teaching experience of my life (all in the same day). I tried to improve my grading methods, and I spent more time in class with him and the students.

On friday I hung out in his office and we finalized grades. I tried to enjoy the moment, sitting there in his office, as I knew it would be my last. 

When it was time to go, I told him "thank you" for everything. We hugged and he told me to call if I was ever in his area.

After I left, I was crying because one of my concerns has been that I am afraid that I will not be able to be the person I want to be without his influence. (Keep in mind, that my best friend is leaving on her mission in about two weeks, and she is my rock. Brianne and I have been friends for 10 years, and she knows me better than anyone.)

I've just been overwhelmed with a lack of confidence this semester, and had serious anxiety about these two very influential people in my life. Can I be who I want to be without their example?

It's funny, because for my Lit final, I had to write a paper on "Do Not Go Gently Into That Good Night", and the author's fears about losing his father. 

In my conclusion paragraph, I talked about how his father's death can be an opportunity for him to be a great man, and an opportunity to prove himself and his capabilities.

When revising it one day, I realized that I'm in the same position. I have these people that I admire so much, but probably rely on them too much. The absence of my best friend and my boss, who has been a mentor to me, is a chance for me to learn to stand on my two feet and be the person I can be.

I think that thought will buoy my spirits in this situation, because I am really sad about it. I just want all of the people that I love to be in my life forever, and with each passing year I find that that isn't how life works. 

I feel like my nostalgia/sentimentality has been one of my weaknesses, because I take it to a point where it's probably not healthy. 

This time around, I'm trying to approach it differently. 

I am always trying to learn how to turn fear into gratitude. 

Because I am so grateful that I even have these people in my life at all, and I'm grateful that I've so many chances to learn important skills/lessons from them. I'm lucky to have people who mean that much to me at all. 

After pondering that for a while, I went home and wrote Brother Brown an email telling him just exactly what I meant when I told him thank you, even though it's often an empty and trite platitude. 

I thanked him for the person that he helped me to become, but the best part is, I don't stop here. There is so much more room to learn and progress. I'm glad he had a hand in it.

Last sunday, Brianne wanted to share something with me that she had been reading about in Joseph Smith History. She talked about how Joseph would not be given the plates if he was going to pursue them selfish interests (verse 46).

Then she applied it to her life.

She talked about different things -mentioning guitar specifically- that she was trying  to improve upon, but found herself becoming discouraged. She felt like no matter how much she practiced, she was not getting any better at guitar. 

She read this verse while reading JSH and it hit her; she was not getting any better because she was not using this to glorify God and build His kingdom. She shared this idea with me, and I felt conflicted.

I tried to think about my own life. I thought about my hobbies and talents, and if I was utilizing my skills to glorify God and build the kingdom. But with some things, like drawing, I didn't know how to do that. 

I was troubled because, often, we are given gifts and talents that seem irrelevant to these things that we've been asked to do - "build the kingdom". Things like drawing, soccer, or crafting. They aren't bad things, by any means, but I failed to see the connection.

And then I started to wonder: well, where do we draw the line?

Should we set aside the things that we enjoy doing just because it doesn't glorify God in an obvious way?

I asked Brianne about that, and she didn't have an answer. She only knew how it impacted her life, and she couldn't really give me counsel for these newfound discoveries.

This remained in my mind for the next few days, but I could not for the life of me figure out what the solution might be. I didn't feel like I was pursuing my hobbies to elevate myself above others. There are the things that I honestly enjoy doing, and I didn't want to feel bad about that.

I feel like my answer came on tuesday, when I went to my illustration class.

We discuss gospel topics as far as the subject matter permits, but it doesn't happen all that often.

My professor was giving us a discussion on ethics, and how we are to handle ourselves as businesspeople (if we try our hand as artists after we graduate). He told us about when he was newly graduated, and miserable at his job. It had seemed so appealing at first, but then they asked him to work on projects that he did not feel comfortable with as a Latter-Day Saint.

He was about to quit when he got some advice: "What are you, an idiot? Don't quit your job."

This came from his father-in-law, who proceeded to tell him that as long as this job wasn't harming his testimony, the most important thing here was for him to work to support his family. (He kept his job, but prayed about it, and within two weeks, he had a new job.)

This is getting a little off topic, but the point is that my teacher said that we don't always have to use our talents to address gospel themes explicitly. Every thing I draw doesn't have to be a picture of Christ. Every song I play on the guitar or piano doesn't need to "testify" of Him, in so many words. 

This isn't to say that we disregard the Savior completely when we use our talents. I feel like trying to improve ourselves in the different ways that He has blessed us is a good way to honor him, so long as we are not doing it for selfish gain.

It was such a beautiful moment when my question was inadvertently answered through the words and experiences of my teacher. 

Later on, Brianne and I found this talk by Dallin H. Oaks, and we discussed it.

We hadn't taken into account that there are both spiritual gifts, and normal gifts. They are different for everyone. 

Obviously, drawing is not a spiritual gift for me. I am no Carl Bloch, and I'm ok with that. But as long as I still remain faithful and true to covenants that I've made, then I don't need to feel bad about drawing Disney characters all the time. I don't need to play hymns every time I sit down to play the guitar, but I can use it to encourage bonding and reach out to others, which is another form of "building the kingdom".

Whatever your talents are, you can decide what to do with them. You don't need to feel like a failure because you enjoy doing something that God gave you the skill set for. Just remember that some are meant to be spiritual gifts that uplift others and bring us closer to our Heavenly Father. 

It's up to you.

I have a lot of thoughts going on right now and I don't even know if they're all connected, but I have to get them down.

I had a really nice day at church, and I was confronted with some ideas and some realizations.

In sunday school, we talked about when we get offended and how we choose to react. We watched this video and I wanted to cry afterward. And it's funny, because after watching it again, I can't remember what it had to do with being offended. It was completely relevant to what we talked about in combined Relief Society/Priesthood though.

In our combined class, we talked about peace, and how it's separated into world peace and personal peace.

We watched Quentin L. Cook's talk from this last conference, and I can't remember if it was from the talk or if it was a comment made in class, but someone said how the worst thing that Satan could do is to rid the world of peace, and he has done that.

In the world, there are so many things that we feel like we need to be afraid of. Satan has an advantage over us if he can encourage us to live in fear. 

I thought about that in my own life, since I am an incredibly fearful person. I don't like the fact that he can get me in seemingly inconsequential ways, like fear and apathy. I might not be drinking or anything, but he truly knows where my weaknesses lie.

When I was taking my block class, I kept putting everything off. "I'll practice guitar tomorrow," I thought. "After this class ends, that's when I'll finish this book."

I was feeling a bit disappointed in myself the other day because it's been weeks, and I feel like I haven't had much to show for it. 

I started thinking of the different areas in my life and made a list of things that I wanted to do so I could be a well-rounded powerhouse lady. It varied from things like "have a conversation with a stranger" (to work on social anxiety), to "help someone."

I was resolved to be better at reading the scriptures, but it wasn't until these different ideas in church that I realized that I need to spend much more time and effort getting myself out of this stagnant lifestyle.

I thought of my last year of EFY, and how I felt when I came home; like I was in love with the world. Nothing could do anything to me. That feeling was peace, and I remember it so distinctly. It was the best feeling I have ever experienced.

Peace, in my opinion, is better than happiness because happiness can still occur when your life is falling apart. Things might be going terribly, but you can still find joy in it. That's not to say that everything in your life will be perfect when you find peace, but I feel like there is a sort of inherent happiness that comes when you do find it. Another thing to consider is  something Brianne pointed out to me; that happiness is often fleeting.

I wanted to experience that feeling more than anything, but I realized that there are a lot of things I need to work on in my life to accomplish that, and it probably won't come as quickly as I want it to. I do feel it on occasion, like when I'm at the temple, but I want to experience that more frequently.

I thought about how Brianne has been trying to accomplish this the whole semester, and I probably haven't been as helpful as I could have. And there are other people in my life, where I could do so much more to help them when they feel like they are struggling and want to make changes.

It reminded me of a poem Brother Grant had us read at the beginning of the semester, called

"Not Waving, but Drowning".

BYU-I is the perfect school for me, and I can't imagine myself anywhere else. I am incredibly blessed. But I thought that it was interesting that, despite the fact that this is a church school and despite the fact that many of us are striving for the same thing, often many of us carry our burdens alone. We have people in our lives who understand where we're coming from, but we don't always help each other carry those burdens. How often do we make it appear as though we're doing alright, when really, we are struggling?

There are a lot of things to consider, but I liked the thought from "Men's Hearts Shall Fail Them".

"Don't demand things that are unreasonable, but demand of yourself improvement."

I can't change the fact that people fear their governments, or that millions of people face injustice or poverty. I can't heal those that are sick or grieving. All I can do is demand improvement from myself, and contribute that to the betterment of the world.

My mom's friend owns a a grove up in the mountains, and she's going to let us use it for a special Easter dinner. My mom and I went up this afternoon to scout out the location and figure out logistics. 

All the citrus trees are blooming and the smell is my heaven. It is stunning up there! We're really looking forward to it.

I posted one of the pictures on instagram, and my friend posted this comment:

"Where freaking are you? Every pic you post is a real life adventure. Can you just stop living the dream?"

I think we're all aware by now that social media is not an accurate reflection of our lives. We forget that often though. I know I do. And I'll tell you what. I have hidden 103 people on facebook because I don't want to see their fictional life. It makes me too upset or jealous or depressed. I am that person, but I know that about myself, and these are the ways I know how to deal with it. 

If I get jealous of other's lives, I'm usually pretty good about unfollowing them or doing something so I don't have to go through all that frustration. But I didn't really think of myself as that person, until my friend posted that comment.

It bothers me, but not because she said it. It just makes me realize that I'm not doing well enough to share life's good and bad moments. I have a tricky relationship with that. 

There's a few reasons I share beautiful moments on instagram, one of them being the fact that I enjoy beautiful things and photography. I have this app that I like to mess around with to enhance the original picture, but I see it as an extension of art. Another reason, (and this goes for the blog as well) is that I try to pay attention to the beautiful or incredible moments in life, and really appreciate them. 

There was a period during my teen years where I don't remember the beauty that surrounded me, because I didn't know how to see it. I was too busy thinking about myself and the things that made me unhappy. As I've learned how to cope with life's problems better, I feel like I see life with new eyes. And I try to do everything in my power to take advantage of a good adventure and to relish the relationships with my loved ones. 

It has never been my intention to paint my life in a perfect light, and I'm sorry if it has ever come across that way. I always thought of it as holding a rose tinted "filter" to life, if you will. I tend to be a pessimist, but try really hard to be an optimist. Maybe one day that will change and I will magically see the bright side of everything always.

I don't lead a perfect life, but it's not a bad one, by any means. It's really great, but it's flawed just like anyone else's. I don't wish I had another life though. 

I know I have some really incredible privileges and I try to be grateful for them all. Every day I discover that I'm unintentionally selfish and there are trials that God has put in my life to increase my patience and humility. I'm not always in love with myself and I'm not very good at paying for all of the music I download. Shhh. I get stressed out too easily and tend to wish I was somewhere else. There are things that make me irrationally angry and I just have to tell myself to calm down and breathe.

There are things that I like about myself and things I'm constantly working on and learning to accept. But in the meantime, I'll try to be real with ya'll. 

Even though in the past I didn't always think so, life is fantastic. God is great. I hope I'm always going to chase that next adventure under the sun. Friends and family and love is everything. 

As much as I'd like things to be happy happy joy joy, I feel like I wanted to say some things about the topic of rape culture, in light of recent events in Steubenville. I figured I would get around to it eventually, but my friend and fellow blogger Natali made a post regarding a experience she had in school the other day, and I felt a certain necessity to add some thoughts.

In recent years, I have become more and more aware of problems in our world, especially women's issues. Rape culture surrounding women has to be one of my least favorite things in the world because it is beyond messed up. That has become incredibly apparent as I read articles on the Steubenville case. (Reminder to myself - Don't ever read comments below the article! You'll end up feeling sick that A. People are such idiots and B. That there are people in the world that feel this way.) Rape culture makes me rage and shake with anger.

Natali talked about how it was really disconcerting for her to be sitting in this classroom surrounded by boys, and (she didn't specify it was boys or girls) many comments were made that it was the girl's fault, that she somehow deserved it.

Listen up everyone, because this is something that should not be treated as an opinion, but instead as a non-negotiable.
The way we see rape victims needs to change. ASAP. 

In our slut-shaming culture, many think that it was irresponsible for that girl to be at the party drinking in the first place. Maybe she was wearing something revealing, as well. "Strike two." People had this mental checklist as more details were revealed. You can't add together the circumstances and somehow justify rape. That implies that rape is ever deserved, which it isn't. Ever. Regardless of the details of this girl's case, or any other rape victim's case, no girl is ever "asking for" sexual advances. 

What outraged me even more is that there was some freaking irresponsible journalism happening in the midst of all of this internalized misogyny, furthering the skewed opinions of an already poorly educated public. There was talk of the ruination of the future of these two boys, who had seemingly bright and promising futures ahead of them. Guess what? Those two gave up their opportunities the day they thought it was ok to publicly violate and humiliate her. This poor girl's life has been turned into a nightmare, but they were painted as the victims of this horrible event. 

To every one who has made a comment blaming this girl, I want you to consider this. I want you to think of your wife, your sister, your daughter. I want you to think of your mother or your grandmother or maybe an aunt that raised you. I want you to think about the ways they have impacted your life. This was someone's daughter. Does your daughter deserve rape? "Of course not!" you might think. But what if she was at a party, loaded with alcohol? What if she was wearing a short skirt? What if she was wearing jeans and a sweatshirt? What if she hadn't been drinking at all? Would you want that women in your life to ever feel uncomfortable or unsafe, just because she was a girl?

The circumstances of these events do not justify the act, and we need to understand that. 

On facebook, I often see tips passed around from women, advising us not to wear our hair in ponytails, as it makes it easier for a man to grab you. Don't ever leave your drink unattended, walk with your keys in your hand when you head for your car, don't talk on the phone at night, travel in groups, etc. The list goes on, each advising us how to protect ourselves. I keep them in mind, because I know we don't live in a perfect world, but I wish we didn't have to. But because we live in a world where we teach, "do all you can not to get raped," instead of "don't rape people," we have to consider these tips. 

I've had this quote in my back pocket for some time. I searched and searched but I could not find a source, so for now, it is unknown.

“Men should be offended when someone claims that women should prevent rape by not wearing certain things or not going certain places or not acting in a certain way. That line of thinking presumes that you are incapable of control.That you are so base and uncivilized that it takes extraordinary effort for you to walk down the street without raping someone. That you require a certain dress code be maintained, that certain behaviors be employed so that maybe today, just maybe, you won’t rape someone.

It presumes that your natural state is rapist.”


As I learn more, the more I want to help others see that the ways we've been taught to understand these sort of events are really unfair. I used to believe in skanks and immorality, but it was one sided. There is enough difficulty for the women in this world without my contributions to the culture. Though I might not participate in a party life, I try not to make judgements anymore. I'm still learning. 

I feel that if we want things to change, we have to be the ones to change the minds, the way of thinking around us. 

It is in this post that I ask us all to consider the perpetrator before we start pointing fingers, and that we hold them accountable; that we stop blaming women for looking so appealing or putting themselves in dangerous situations to the point that rape is somehow inevitable; that we have some empathy and remember that every victim has people that love them, and that their life might forever be changed by this one event.