It's been a while since I posted. It's been a rather stressful time, with a lot of changes happening around the same time, so I didn't have time or energy to write. Among those changes were the fact that I finished my final college class (turns out that I was 3 credits short after I walked at graduation, so I had to take something online. It was awful.) and now I am finally a graduate; moving because my landlady was getting married; and work was busy with the holidays. Things have settled down now and I'm feeling pretty good.

Here are some pictures of my room now. It's been a great opportunity to donate/throw things away and feel that cleansing feeling. Perfect for the new year, right? I've been really interested in the minimalist movement the last few months, and I'd like to implement some of those ideas. It makes a lot of sense and it can definitely be taken to an extreme, but there are so many benefits that people have found when they embraced this lifestyle. I think it can be a positive thing in my life.

I wish living with anxiety and depression could be easily explained, but it's not. All I can say is that the up and down rollercoasting (often, within hours) is exhausting. People more intelligent than I am have come up with clever metaphors and examples, but at the end of the day - they're just that - ideas that we use to attempt to compare an idea to something familiar. The dragging-yourself-out-of-bed difficulty of it all is lost in the translation.

But on those days when you are free and hope finds a way to radiate itself like sunshine through your lifestream, it feels like the moment before you open the front door, your friend waiting outside in the car to take you somewhere. Like hearing your favorite song playing in the grocery store as you're in the bread aisle. It feels like those golden hours peeking over the mountain and you're 10 years old, running around in cutoff shorts and tennis shoes with a lace that came undone. Like being on the swings pumping higher and higher before you decide to leap off, flying in the air, if only for a moment.  It feels like laughing so much that you cannot see, and later when you go to tell someone, you cannot even start the story without giggling. It feels like you had to be there. Like getting into the car and deciding to go somewhere without planning anything in advance. It feels like a day where you lived your life instead of thinking about it.

Really feeling this right now.

Last friday (the 24th) I went to Velour in Provo to see Midas Whale play. Påndo opened and I had never heard of them, but they were really talented and I really enjoyed their stuff, and then Ryan Innes finished off the set. The atmosphere was so cool. I was just standing in awe of the decorations and lighting and whatnot. It got me really excited about the music scene here.

I went alone, and I honestly don't know if I would have enjoyed it more or less if I were with a group. I've been going to things alone a lot lately, (especially since I moved to Utah) so it gets easier each time. I would say it really started last fall when I was up at school and Kelsi was engaged and Brianne had just left on her mission, and I knew that I still wanted to do things and go places even if there was no one to go with me.
I hope that feeling doesn't prevent others from doing what they want to alone, because going solo isn't always so bad. I made a friend at this show and I ended up having something in common with her, and it's something that I don't find myself having in common with a ton of people, so it was cool that she understood. It was cool that I met her.

A friend posted this on Facebook today and I just watched it 5 times.

It is pure glory.

It would be so great

if I had a boyfriend

that would dress up as Mr. and Mrs. Fox with me

for Halloween.

Wes Anderson fans,

form an orderly queue.

My friends were able to bring my glockenspiel from California to me. I am so happy.

It's time to start planning for the Christmas cover volume II.

Madisen and I took Tim and her friend Justin to go see Deep Love in SLC yesterday.

The show is so so different, even from last year, and it was pure glory.

I get so emotional and filled with these proud mother feelings. It's stupid. 

I wrote about my love for Deep Love here, but it honestly has changed my life. The day I went to watch it set off a chain of events and introduced me to so many new things that I would have never discovered on my own. And it will always always always have a place in my heart because of that.

Ok I'm so cheesy I know. Just let me have this.

Then we went out to Denny's for dinner and we had pumpkin pancakes and so much laughter and I really needed this night out.

The warehouse at work.

"Yes Lexie, I know who Drake is."

I came home today and found out that my landlady is getting married and moving at the end of the year, 

which means that I'm moving at the end of the year.

I went house hunting in downtown Provo this afternoon and I was graced by a beautiful sunset.

I hiked Y Mountain yesterday and it nearly killed me (because my metamorphosis into a sloth is almost complete) but it was really good to be outside. And of course, even though Brianne is gone, I had to keep up our tradition of Standing Tree pose on a rock.

Pictured: Dad creating a budget for me on a napkin.

Not pictured: me freaking out about credit cards.

(I think they're a scam.)

(On the way to Madisen's house.)

I was at a friend's house last night because I'm trying to get to know them better and expand my nonexistent social circle, and we were watching a tv show. We watched three episodes, which was roughly 2.5 hours. And I went home, real mad at myself because of the amount of time I spent doing nothing.

 At the time, I justified it because I was "spending time with friends," but there wasn't a ton of socializing - we were gathered around a screen. Don't get me wrong. I enjoy a good movie or show from time to time, and this is what a lot of my friends want to do when we hang out. 

I've been thinking a lot lately...thinking about the way I spend my time, and how intentional I want to be. There are things I want to do. There are hobbies and talents I'd like to develop. And now that I'm done with school, I have less time than ever, but more and more things I'd like to improve at - stuff like music and art and writing and whatnot.

So I don't really know what I'm saying. Am I criticizing the way people my age enjoy bonding with each other nowadays? Am I advocating for alone time? Do I just wish I was surrounded by people who like doing all of the same things I do? I dunno.

All I'm sure of is that I think that I want my hobbies to start aligning with my ambitions. I know that the job I have is alright for now, but I don't want to be a receptionist forever. I can't stop all of these creative inclinations raging inside me, so I need a new dream - a new goal to wake up every morning and help me realize that hard work is worth it.

Madisen is home from her mission in California. I am happy to have her back. 

She hasn't changed a bit.

Neon Trees were in town the other night pour Rooftop Concert series 5th anniversaire. They sounded great, but I couldn't actually see them (I saw Tyler's head once though!), and getting pushed in a freakin huge crowd was just not my cup of tea. 

I was there with Tim, and when we climbed out of the group, I noticed another perspective as I saw these people watching from their windows and rooftops.

Had another cozy Conference weekend, and I'm feeling grateful to be able to hear the word of God every 6 months from great leaders. 

I went to my new dr. and they wanted me to get some blood work done. Ok cool. The only time they have available is 6:45, so I let out an uneasy sigh. "Don't worry," the receptionist tells me. "Just go ahead and wear your pajamas."

My mother and my Noni didn't raise me this way, but I do it anyways. And who is sitting behind the counter when I walk in at 6:45 am? A cute phlebotomist. A cute guy phlebotomist.

I immediately regret everything.

I have a habit of unpacking my entire life (which I carry around with me in my bag at all times, in all things, and in all places) when I'm in public spaces like the library.

Today my friend threw a party but there were 50+ people there and it was overwhelming. I didn't feel like I fit in because I don't have snapchat and I can only name one Drake song. I pulled an Irish Goodbye, and that is number one on my list of bad habits that I should stop doing.