It's been weird since I've posted last, so I'll try to describe this as accurately as I felt it.

Things have been so so good lately, but things have been freakin terrible, as well.
But then there was this guy I used to know and thought he was cute, so for two weeks I tried to muster up the courage to go talk to say hi and talk to him. Two weeks. And every time I didn't do it, I went home hating myself for not being brave enough, and it was a really miserable time.
So finally I did it, and celebrated that victory. I was ready to keep it up, but then I saw him eating lunch with some girl, and for whatever reason, that was so disappointing to try to deal with.

It's rough being a young, single Mormon person sometimes - I don't know if we give people enough credit. Most of my friends are moving on in life, and I'm getting left behind. I feel like I'm doing life wrong when I look and see all these people around me in relationships and I can't even score a freakin date. When I'm especially upset, I wonder why I can't be deserving of affection, and then I have to do my best to try and build myself up again, because I can't allow that sort of toxic thinking into my life.

There have been so many times this semester, (this event is just one of them) but so many times that I can't even count, where I have felt maybe the loneliest I've ever felt. And each of those times, I would pray and ask the Lord, Why does it seem like every time I try to make a change in my life, it all falls flat? Why am I alone all of the time? What is your purpose in doing this, what are you trying to teach me?

My faith has grown this semester, but it has moments of weakness, just like anyone else. And it wasn't necessarily that I was mad and screaming at Him. These prayers were really quite heartfelt  they were asked out of frustration and confusion, where I was going to Him saying, "I just don't understand..."

If I can assign or impose any sort of purpose, this semester (so far) has been to teach me about the Lord's timing, and that I need to trust in Him. Completely. It's so hard to do that though, because I like to be in control. I like to know what's going on, what's going to happen. I am starting to see now just a fraction of what this means, to trust the Lord's timing, and realize that He is orchestrating great events in my life. I just have to be patient, so I've asked for help with that as well - asking for help to be patient and keep in mind His purposes for me and my life, to align my will with His will. It's hard y'all.

I can tell you that every time I prayed earnestly, each time I told Him, "I actually don't think I can do this anymore. This hurts too much, and I don't think I can go on without sinking into a depression," and I was always comforted. Always.
It wasn't always immediate, sometimes it even took a day or so, but I always woke up feeling better, or experienced something during the day that helped me realize, "Life isn't so horrible. There are still beautiful things in my life, I am still being blessed." I have never been left comfortless, and I am incredibly grateful for that.

Al Carraway (Fox) is one of my favorite people you know, because she is such a great example to me. She always turns to her faith in times of hardship, and I'm trying to be more like that. I read this blog post and it was really comforting because she talks about her husband and says, "I thought I'd have to eventually settle, or compromise. But the thing about Heavenly Father is that if you are trying and you are patient, you will never be short changed from the best blessings in life."

That really speaks to me, because she is such an incredible person and it brings me a lot of comfort to know that she struggled with these same feelings as well. Now she's married, she has like two dogs, and is pregnant. Her and her husband are a team and they build each other up and they're so happy. She's living the dream.

So like every other time I've had a freak out about my single-hood or have been frustrated with my situation, I just have to come back to this thought: don't worry about it. Do what you can, continue to develop your relationship with God - but work on yourself so you can be an awesome person, and maybe you'll find an awesome person and you two will conquer the world together. But don't think that someone is going to swoop in and save you from all of your problems. Most often, you have to save yourself.