Sweet Disposition

Yesterday Brianne called me for the last time.

We talked for an hour and we talked about Fourth Estate, and she told me how she had been spending time with her family in Utah.

Then she had to go, and it was still a strange goodbye; only strange because of how normal it feels. Whether she's calling to say - she's coming home from class in 5 minutes and do I want to go read at the park? or she's leaving for 18 months and I guess this is finally it now - it always ends with "I love you."

Because that's the truth.

And it still hasn't hit me. I often wonder when it will.

It will probably come in a few weeks, when I go back and am faced with the trials of college life. Or maybe it will happen when I want to talk about life and ideas, because she is better at that than anyone, (for me.)

A few weeks ago, I interviewed for this online improvement position at school. I feel as though the interview went really well, and was excited about this potential job for fall semester. However, when I walked away, I immediately felt dissatisfied. I realized that though it was a great interview, I didn't care about this job at all. The sense of security that accompanies the promise of income was instantly shattered, and I felt impressed to walk up to the english office and try to find another job as a TA, though no one is currently hiring. The Online people called back the next day, and I turned down the job. Maybe I am an idiot for doing that, but we'll see what happens.

Then a few weeks ago, I saw that Pixar was hiring a Production Management intern. I felt like my past experiences made me more qualified for that position than the other animation internships that I have applied for in the past. I felt really confident and hopeful, thinking: maybe this is the reason why I felt terrible after the first job interview, because I would be interning at Pixar!

I received an email a few days ago saying that they were going to go with someone else who would be a better fit for the job. That was a hard blow to take.

I have a feeling that these next few weeks - few months - will really come to shape and define my character. And I say this for many reasons, some being that I will need to learn how to/improve the way I handle situations.

Now, and in the upcoming weeks I will need to:

- truly learn how to let go of things that have ended and appreciate what they were and what those memories/experience did for me.

- in addition to that - learn how to let go of the ideas I have for myself, the ones that "define" me, and throw them out the window. Though, I can't leave everything up to God. I have to be proactive about my goals as well.

- learn how to find happiness that is born out of optimism and enthusiasm, despite my inclinations to indulge in the selfishness that comes with sadness.

- learn how to love others and to serve them with patience and grace.

- continue to humble myself and rely on the Lord, when I often find myself with the desire to be independent, needing no one.

I am at a crossroads right now, and it's not because of the departure of my best friend.

I feel kind of like this picture here, standing on the edge of eternity.

There is so much that can happen, so much that I wish would happen, and so much that I need to do. There are many opportunities, many directions my life can take from this point in time.

No matter where I end up, I have to believe that things will be alright.