In recent years, I have become more and more aware of problems in our world, especially women's issues. Rape culture surrounding women has to be one of my least favorite things in the world because it is beyond messed up. That has become incredibly apparent as I read articles on the Steubenville case. (Reminder to myself - Don't ever read comments below the article! You'll end up feeling sick that A. People are such idiots and B. That there are people in the world that feel this way.) Rape culture makes me rage and shake with anger.
Natali talked about how it was really disconcerting for her to be sitting in this classroom surrounded by boys, and (she didn't specify it was boys or girls) many comments were made that it was the girl's fault, that she somehow deserved it.
Listen up everyone, because this is something that should not be treated as an opinion, but instead as a non-negotiable.
The way we see rape victims needs to change. ASAP.
In our slut-shaming culture, many think that it was irresponsible for that girl to be at the party drinking in the first place. Maybe she was wearing something revealing, as well. "Strike two." People had this mental checklist as more details were revealed. You can't add together the circumstances and somehow justify rape. That implies that rape is ever deserved, which it isn't. Ever. Regardless of the details of this girl's case, or any other rape victim's case, no girl is ever "asking for" sexual advances.
What outraged me even more is that there was some freaking irresponsible journalism happening in the midst of all of this internalized misogyny, furthering the skewed opinions of an already poorly educated public. There was talk of the ruination of the future of these two boys, who had seemingly bright and promising futures ahead of them. Guess what? Those two gave up their opportunities the day they thought it was ok to publicly violate and humiliate her. This poor girl's life has been turned into a nightmare, but they were painted as the victims of this horrible event.
To every one who has made a comment blaming this girl, I want you to consider this. I want you to think of your wife, your sister, your daughter. I want you to think of your mother or your grandmother or maybe an aunt that raised you. I want you to think about the ways they have impacted your life. This was someone's daughter. Does your daughter deserve rape? "Of course not!" you might think. But what if she was at a party, loaded with alcohol? What if she was wearing a short skirt? What if she was wearing jeans and a sweatshirt? What if she hadn't been drinking at all? Would you want that women in your life to ever feel uncomfortable or unsafe, just because she was a girl?
The circumstances of these events do not justify the act, and we need to understand that.
On facebook, I often see tips passed around from women, advising us not to wear our hair in ponytails, as it makes it easier for a man to grab you. Don't ever leave your drink unattended, walk with your keys in your hand when you head for your car, don't talk on the phone at night, travel in groups, etc. The list goes on, each advising us how to protect ourselves. I keep them in mind, because I know we don't live in a perfect world, but I wish we didn't have to. But because we live in a world where we teach, "do all you can not to get raped," instead of "don't rape people," we have to consider these tips.
I've had this quote in my back pocket for some time. I searched and searched but I could not find a source, so for now, it is unknown.
“Men should be offended when someone claims that women should prevent rape by not wearing certain things or not going certain places or not acting in a certain way. That line of thinking presumes that you are incapable of control.That you are so base and uncivilized that it takes extraordinary effort for you to walk down the street without raping someone. That you require a certain dress code be maintained, that certain behaviors be employed so that maybe today, just maybe, you won’t rape someone.
It presumes that your natural state is rapist.”
As I learn more, the more I want to help others see that the ways we've been taught to understand these sort of events are really unfair. I used to believe in skanks and immorality, but it was one sided. There is enough difficulty for the women in this world without my contributions to the culture. Though I might not participate in a party life, I try not to make judgements anymore. I'm still learning.
I feel that if we want things to change, we have to be the ones to change the minds, the way of thinking around us.
It is in this post that I ask us all to consider the perpetrator before we start pointing fingers, and that we hold them accountable; that we stop blaming women for looking so appealing or putting themselves in dangerous situations to the point that rape is somehow inevitable; that we have some empathy and remember that every victim has people that love them, and that their life might forever be changed by this one event.
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