I know that the quality of this photo of a photo is terrible, but I wanted to share this picture - it's my favorite picture, because it's the only one I have of my whole family. It is my sister Elizabeth's birthday today, and she would have been 10 years old. It seems so strange to think it was that long ago, especially when I remember some of the details of her short life so vividly.
A lot of people don't know that I have a sister, or that she passed away. When I was young, I kept it to myself because the ones who did know treated me differently, and I didn't want that; I didn't want people to feel sorry for me.

It took several years to come to terms with what happened, and I'm ok. My family - we're ok. I don't doubt where she is, I don't wonder about what happened to her. It still hurts to think about losing the opportunity to grow up with a sister in this life, but it gives me a chance to remember the things that I know to be true.

I am so incredibly grateful for the gospel, and for the doctrine that we have. I am grateful that the Lord has provided a way for us to be sealed as a family. For those of you who don't know anything about my religion and what I believe, just know that Family is what matters. 
I know that I will get to be with my entire family again someday.

This past weekend, Kelsi, Chad, Chris, and I all went down to SLC to watch Conference.

We had tickets for sunday morning session, and the thing that stood out to me was President Monson's talk, of course. (As well as O Divine Redeemer sung by the tab choir - wowowow!)

As soon as he started talking about his wife, tears were streaming down my cheeks. I have a testimony of the Prophet, especially of Thomas S. Monson. I love him with all my heart.

(Chris and I look like we're dating in these pictures, and we're not. I'm like his mother, haha.)

When school ended, my family (minus dad) came up to get me and we took a temple trip on the way home. It was mostly for Bennett, but it was cool to go to so many different temples in such a short amount of time.

Wednesday 24th - My family came to my apartment and picked me up. We all went to the Rexburg temple, and Cooper and I were the first people that Bennett got to baptize/confirm. Grandma and mom watched. Tears were shed.

Later on that day, we drive to the Idaho Falls temple. Coop and I do baptisms.

25th - We say goodbye to Grandma and Grandpa and we drive to Logan to visit the Travellers. We can't go to the temple because of Pioneer Day, so we play with them and have a good time.

26th - We wake up early to go to the Logan temple. I like how it looks. Later on, we drive to Salt Lake City. As far as temples go, that was the most convoluted temple I had visited. It's really beautiful though.

27th - We wake up and catch the waffle truck at the Adobe building in Lehi. SO GOOD WOWOWOW. I felt sick but it was so worth it. Later on that afternoon, we make it to St. George and Cooper and I do baptisms there.

28th - We drive home and we're all pretty tired of traveling. 

Last sunday, Brianne wanted to share something with me that she had been reading about in Joseph Smith History. She talked about how Joseph would not be given the plates if he was going to pursue them selfish interests (verse 46).

Then she applied it to her life.

She talked about different things -mentioning guitar specifically- that she was trying  to improve upon, but found herself becoming discouraged. She felt like no matter how much she practiced, she was not getting any better at guitar. 

She read this verse while reading JSH and it hit her; she was not getting any better because she was not using this to glorify God and build His kingdom. She shared this idea with me, and I felt conflicted.

I tried to think about my own life. I thought about my hobbies and talents, and if I was utilizing my skills to glorify God and build the kingdom. But with some things, like drawing, I didn't know how to do that. 

I was troubled because, often, we are given gifts and talents that seem irrelevant to these things that we've been asked to do - "build the kingdom". Things like drawing, soccer, or crafting. They aren't bad things, by any means, but I failed to see the connection.

And then I started to wonder: well, where do we draw the line?

Should we set aside the things that we enjoy doing just because it doesn't glorify God in an obvious way?

I asked Brianne about that, and she didn't have an answer. She only knew how it impacted her life, and she couldn't really give me counsel for these newfound discoveries.

This remained in my mind for the next few days, but I could not for the life of me figure out what the solution might be. I didn't feel like I was pursuing my hobbies to elevate myself above others. There are the things that I honestly enjoy doing, and I didn't want to feel bad about that.

I feel like my answer came on tuesday, when I went to my illustration class.

We discuss gospel topics as far as the subject matter permits, but it doesn't happen all that often.

My professor was giving us a discussion on ethics, and how we are to handle ourselves as businesspeople (if we try our hand as artists after we graduate). He told us about when he was newly graduated, and miserable at his job. It had seemed so appealing at first, but then they asked him to work on projects that he did not feel comfortable with as a Latter-Day Saint.

He was about to quit when he got some advice: "What are you, an idiot? Don't quit your job."

This came from his father-in-law, who proceeded to tell him that as long as this job wasn't harming his testimony, the most important thing here was for him to work to support his family. (He kept his job, but prayed about it, and within two weeks, he had a new job.)

This is getting a little off topic, but the point is that my teacher said that we don't always have to use our talents to address gospel themes explicitly. Every thing I draw doesn't have to be a picture of Christ. Every song I play on the guitar or piano doesn't need to "testify" of Him, in so many words. 

This isn't to say that we disregard the Savior completely when we use our talents. I feel like trying to improve ourselves in the different ways that He has blessed us is a good way to honor him, so long as we are not doing it for selfish gain.

It was such a beautiful moment when my question was inadvertently answered through the words and experiences of my teacher. 

Later on, Brianne and I found this talk by Dallin H. Oaks, and we discussed it.

We hadn't taken into account that there are both spiritual gifts, and normal gifts. They are different for everyone. 

Obviously, drawing is not a spiritual gift for me. I am no Carl Bloch, and I'm ok with that. But as long as I still remain faithful and true to covenants that I've made, then I don't need to feel bad about drawing Disney characters all the time. I don't need to play hymns every time I sit down to play the guitar, but I can use it to encourage bonding and reach out to others, which is another form of "building the kingdom".

Whatever your talents are, you can decide what to do with them. You don't need to feel like a failure because you enjoy doing something that God gave you the skill set for. Just remember that some are meant to be spiritual gifts that uplift others and bring us closer to our Heavenly Father. 

It's up to you.

I have a lot of thoughts going on right now and I don't even know if they're all connected, but I have to get them down.

I had a really nice day at church, and I was confronted with some ideas and some realizations.

In sunday school, we talked about when we get offended and how we choose to react. We watched this video and I wanted to cry afterward. And it's funny, because after watching it again, I can't remember what it had to do with being offended. It was completely relevant to what we talked about in combined Relief Society/Priesthood though.

In our combined class, we talked about peace, and how it's separated into world peace and personal peace.

We watched Quentin L. Cook's talk from this last conference, and I can't remember if it was from the talk or if it was a comment made in class, but someone said how the worst thing that Satan could do is to rid the world of peace, and he has done that.

In the world, there are so many things that we feel like we need to be afraid of. Satan has an advantage over us if he can encourage us to live in fear. 

I thought about that in my own life, since I am an incredibly fearful person. I don't like the fact that he can get me in seemingly inconsequential ways, like fear and apathy. I might not be drinking or anything, but he truly knows where my weaknesses lie.

When I was taking my block class, I kept putting everything off. "I'll practice guitar tomorrow," I thought. "After this class ends, that's when I'll finish this book."

I was feeling a bit disappointed in myself the other day because it's been weeks, and I feel like I haven't had much to show for it. 

I started thinking of the different areas in my life and made a list of things that I wanted to do so I could be a well-rounded powerhouse lady. It varied from things like "have a conversation with a stranger" (to work on social anxiety), to "help someone."

I was resolved to be better at reading the scriptures, but it wasn't until these different ideas in church that I realized that I need to spend much more time and effort getting myself out of this stagnant lifestyle.

I thought of my last year of EFY, and how I felt when I came home; like I was in love with the world. Nothing could do anything to me. That feeling was peace, and I remember it so distinctly. It was the best feeling I have ever experienced.

Peace, in my opinion, is better than happiness because happiness can still occur when your life is falling apart. Things might be going terribly, but you can still find joy in it. That's not to say that everything in your life will be perfect when you find peace, but I feel like there is a sort of inherent happiness that comes when you do find it. Another thing to consider is  something Brianne pointed out to me; that happiness is often fleeting.

I wanted to experience that feeling more than anything, but I realized that there are a lot of things I need to work on in my life to accomplish that, and it probably won't come as quickly as I want it to. I do feel it on occasion, like when I'm at the temple, but I want to experience that more frequently.

I thought about how Brianne has been trying to accomplish this the whole semester, and I probably haven't been as helpful as I could have. And there are other people in my life, where I could do so much more to help them when they feel like they are struggling and want to make changes.

It reminded me of a poem Brother Grant had us read at the beginning of the semester, called

"Not Waving, but Drowning".

BYU-I is the perfect school for me, and I can't imagine myself anywhere else. I am incredibly blessed. But I thought that it was interesting that, despite the fact that this is a church school and despite the fact that many of us are striving for the same thing, often many of us carry our burdens alone. We have people in our lives who understand where we're coming from, but we don't always help each other carry those burdens. How often do we make it appear as though we're doing alright, when really, we are struggling?

There are a lot of things to consider, but I liked the thought from "Men's Hearts Shall Fail Them".

"Don't demand things that are unreasonable, but demand of yourself improvement."

I can't change the fact that people fear their governments, or that millions of people face injustice or poverty. I can't heal those that are sick or grieving. All I can do is demand improvement from myself, and contribute that to the betterment of the world.

We finished up a wonderful weekend of the 183rd general conference today. I feel like the combination of Quentin L. Cook and Richard G. Scott's talks were something I needed to hear, but here are some other thoughts I enjoyed:

Boyd K. Packer

- we need to protect our nest - the adversary can find its way into our homes

- each of us must stay in conditions to receive inspiration

Elaine S. Dalton

- young women need mothers and mentors to exemplify righteous spirits

- we need media that will ennoble and enable instead of media that objectifies and degrades

M. Russel Ballard

- if your testimony is less than what you know it should be, turn to the light of Christ

Richard G. Scott

- regardless of your circumstance, you can put Christ at the center of your home

- your potential can be destroyed if you yield to the corrupt environment around you

- "recognize the good in others, not their stains."

Quentin L. Cook

- "the Savior's love can blot out hate. Judgement is the Lord's."

- "God is not the author of confusion, but the author of peace."

Stanley G. Elis

- if we do not what He says, we have no promise - so if we feel disappointed or betrayed by the Lord, chances are we weren't doing what He has commanded

- bloom where we are planted

John B. Dickson

- have very little of what matters least, but have much of what matters most

Dieter F. Uchtdorf

- the darkness exists, but you don't have to dwell there

- sometimes it takes an act of faith - you can't sit in the darkness waiting for someone to come switch the light on

Thomas S. Monson

- not once did Nephi fail to do what the Lord asked of him, and millions have been blessed because of his actions

Jeffrey R. Holland

- even if you have only a desire within you, let that desire work until it turns into faith

- when facing the challenge of faith, hold the ground you have already won - hold fast to what you already know

Dallin H. Oaks

- the teachings of Jesus were never theoretical - they were meant to be acted upon