Sweet Disposition

I've wanted to write about something that I've struggled with this semester, but have had to push away until I had time to deal with it.

The end of this semester marks some rather large changes in my life.

A lot of them. In a pretty short amount of time.

On friday, I had to say goodbye to my boss, Brother Brown. He got a new job on the east coast and he's leaving the school. I've known about it since the beginning of the semester, but I never really had time to deal with it. And my way of dealing with it would entail me being gloomy and sad, and that's not how I wanted to spend my last semester as his T.A.

It's been a great semester. I taught a few times, and had both the best and the worst teaching experience of my life (all in the same day). I tried to improve my grading methods, and I spent more time in class with him and the students.

On friday I hung out in his office and we finalized grades. I tried to enjoy the moment, sitting there in his office, as I knew it would be my last. 

When it was time to go, I told him "thank you" for everything. We hugged and he told me to call if I was ever in his area.

After I left, I was crying because one of my concerns has been that I am afraid that I will not be able to be the person I want to be without his influence. (Keep in mind, that my best friend is leaving on her mission in about two weeks, and she is my rock. Brianne and I have been friends for 10 years, and she knows me better than anyone.)

I've just been overwhelmed with a lack of confidence this semester, and had serious anxiety about these two very influential people in my life. Can I be who I want to be without their example?

It's funny, because for my Lit final, I had to write a paper on "Do Not Go Gently Into That Good Night", and the author's fears about losing his father. 

In my conclusion paragraph, I talked about how his father's death can be an opportunity for him to be a great man, and an opportunity to prove himself and his capabilities.

When revising it one day, I realized that I'm in the same position. I have these people that I admire so much, but probably rely on them too much. The absence of my best friend and my boss, who has been a mentor to me, is a chance for me to learn to stand on my two feet and be the person I can be.

I think that thought will buoy my spirits in this situation, because I am really sad about it. I just want all of the people that I love to be in my life forever, and with each passing year I find that that isn't how life works. 

I feel like my nostalgia/sentimentality has been one of my weaknesses, because I take it to a point where it's probably not healthy. 

This time around, I'm trying to approach it differently. 

I am always trying to learn how to turn fear into gratitude. 

Because I am so grateful that I even have these people in my life at all, and I'm grateful that I've so many chances to learn important skills/lessons from them. I'm lucky to have people who mean that much to me at all. 

After pondering that for a while, I went home and wrote Brother Brown an email telling him just exactly what I meant when I told him thank you, even though it's often an empty and trite platitude. 

I thanked him for the person that he helped me to become, but the best part is, I don't stop here. There is so much more room to learn and progress. I'm glad he had a hand in it.