With that being said, I've also run into some reoccurring anxiety issues this semester, and I cannot understand why. I find myself getting so nervous about the different things I need to do. Take this week, for example, where I had to give two different 5 minute presentations in class. I woke up on those days with this horrible feeling in my stomach, like my liver was oozing toxins. I wanted to die. 

But a five minute presentation is not the scariest thing I've ever done. I've taught college classes, I've done slam poetry in front of a bunch of strangers, I've even met with a senator for a lobby meeting. 

These small actions like presentations aren't the only thing triggering anxiety, but I don't know what to do about it. I try to remember to breathe deeply but...that's about all. I know that doing things that I enjoy could be helpful, but I don't know if they help me forget about all the things that are making me worried. It's a minor distraction. 

The worst part of it all, is that I feel like this anxiety is preventing me from living the life I want to live. I'm still working as an english T.A., and I'd like to be a bubbly, outgoing person whenever my boss has me sub for him. Sometimes this works, but I had a bad experience with one class, and I will forever be worried that each time I teach will be like that class. 

It's nice to be a bubbly, outgoing person in life too, but I don't know if I feel like I want to be that all the time. I'd rather just feel like I could talk to people without having to plan out the whole conversation. I'm not a spontaneous person, and I often feel that I'm boring and not relatable. 

This problem is pending. I'm looking into how to overcome it in a different way than I have in the past. 

The most relevant theme in my life is "You can do hard things." And I can.

Even though there's some heavy stuff about to happen in this post, I'm going to try to be as lighthearted as possible. Because it's actually really funny looking back, and it was funny at the time. Laugh with me, as it is all I can do at this point.

Last thursday, I went to my Dr. for a check-up and he decided that we should start dealing with a problem that I've had: Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). A different dr. suspected this when I was about 16, but we never really did anything about it. I know some people are put on Metformin or something, but I proceeded on with life. And it didn't really seem like a problem. I didn't know much about it - I knew that it dealt with infertility, but that seemed like the least of my concerns, at age 16.

PCOS can cause infertility, but it encompasses so much more than that, and those side effects are what I've been dealing with for the past few years. I didn't have regular periods, found it difficult to lose weight, constant problems with acne, and felt crazy mood swings that were hard to keep up with. 

My dr. likes to take a holistic approach, and I'm glad he does. I've taken so much weird medicine, that I'd like to attempt to treat it naturally. I don't look down on medication, but if there's another way, I'd like to try it first. He made some suggestions as to what I should eat, including switching me back to gluten free. I felt pretty good about that at school, though it's much more expensive to do so, and it got difficult at times. Then he put me on Estrofactors, which are meant to relieve mood swings, among other things. 

Last night, I started getting really annoyed. I never know what's going to be the trigger, what's going to set me off. Yesterday it was lacrosse and the fact that my brothers were being a bit rude to me. I tried to contain myself, and there was an incident where I threw an oreo at someone out of frustration, but I didn't blow up. 

Then I got really upset about the fact that my family is so focused on lacrosse. Both of my brothers play, and it feels like that is all that we talk about. I started feeling selfish and thought about how no one asks me what I like to do or what I'm feeling. It was totally selfish and I knew it; the voice in my head reminded me that it wasn't about me and I needed to get over it and why was this even bothering me in the first place? It doesn't usually bother me, but last night, I had enough.

Then I googled PCOS so I could know more, and I started getting really overwhelmed. I already think bodies are weird to begin with, and their symptoms and diagrams were not helping. My mind was racing and I was starting to feel jittery and maybe a bit manic. All I wanted to do was run. (And I hate running.) I didn't want to exercise run, though, I just knew I had to take off. I put on my shoes and just went, as far as I could go. 

I made it about three or four blocks, and I only slowed down to cry or catch my breath. I was listening to "Carried Away" by Passion Pit on a loop, and I was wearing fair isle socks. So I really feel bad for whatever poor soul might have encountered this hot mess, zig zagging through a dark misty neighborhood. 

I arrived at a park, and I got on the swings. I sat there and cried as I pumped my legs higher and higher, until at last I started to calm down. I stayed there for about a half an hour, swinging and laughing to myself, thinking, "man, you're crazy." I was irrationally angry about the things that were bothering me, but I recognized it. And at the same time, I had to give myself some rope. We are allowed to get upset about things, but we can't let it control us. 

I walked home feeling better.

The point of this is, PCOS is a problem in my life, and I have to face it head on. It's going to be a really difficult daily challenge. I'm glad I have some sort of explanation as to why my body isn't functioning properly, and why I feel crazy all the time. It's not just me. I have to find the balance between being easier on myself when it's not entirely my fault I have all these crazy feelings, and not giving myself permission to have it out on whoever crosses my path. Because most of the time, I feel like I'm a pretty nice person. 

I don't know if I want this to become medically focused blog, because I have a life outside this disease. I have other interests, other things that consume my time. I like adventures and reading and playing music with my friends. But at the same time, I will have to make big lifestyle changes and maybe I'll want to talk about it. Let's see where this goes.

PCOS, I'm gonna conquer you. Just as soon as I stop crying about this baby animal video.

(P.S. It goes without saying that week 8 was a disaster, so in light of this new dietary change, I am going to try it again.)

Week 7 couldn't have come at a better time. The Travellers were coming to stay in my room and it was trashed. Not only did I clean it out, but I dusted and scrubbed and sorted things into the garage sale pile.

Where I'd really like to do this is at school, where I have a lot of things that I've been holding on to. When I get back, I need to sort through clothes and knicknacks and throw things away. I don't want to have a lot of things that aren't necessary.

I took two weeks to do this because I also included stuff on my laptop, which has been bogged down with files and is just a nuisance in general when it comes to organization. So I cleaned that up a bit. I'm also taking it to the store today to see if I can get the battery changed and see if they can fix the bottom...which has started to peel off. Don't ask.

Week 6 - Nourish

This week I chose to spend time with my family, and to be intentional about spending my time with them. It was nice. There were a few times when we were altogether, and that's difficult because of everyone's crazy schedule. I'll be soaking this up as I get ready to go back to school in the next few weeks.

Week 3 - Stretch

This week had me thinking for a minute, because there are aren't a lot of activities that I haven't at least tried. And the others that I thought of usually involved another person. But I picked boxing on the wii.

It kicked my butt the first few days. My whole right side was really sore, but I got used to it after a while. It's nice to do when I'm angry.
I would usually start boxing when I started thinking about Seth Macfarlane and how there's a lot of people in this world who are sadly misinformed/genuine idiots.
So many people suck, it upsets me to think about sometimes.

Ok, so funny story about these shoes.

Last week I was out walking and I was getting this bad cramp in my foot. I realized that I had my old walking shoes since sophomore year of high school, and they had no support.

Luckily my mom had a Kohl's coupon and athletic shoes were on sale as well. Good deal, right?

So we're searching in the women's department, and I find all of these shoes that I like, but they're $80. Nope. No no nope. I look around more, but the cheapest ones are $60. (Still not happening.)

A lightbulb goes off in my head, and I march over to the kids section. "You are not going to find shoes there!" my mom yells, chasing after me. "They're all going to be light-up-sparkly-cartoon shoes."

After a minute of looking, I find athletic shoes that look EX-actly like the ones I just tried on in the women's department. I figure, if I'm in the kid's, I'll probably need the biggest size, yeah? I try on a Y7. Too big. Too big, how?! I'm cackling in the middle of the shoe dept.

I go home with a youth 6, and the price was significantly reduced. I feel like a winner.

Also, this song has been my jam this week.

Week 2 - Rest

This was something I've been meaning to do because I was in this habit of staying up till one in the morning sometimes, and that's not gonna fly.

I was looking forward to this one because I like the idea of going to bed early and waking up early, all that B-Frank stuff, but I've never really lived like that. I don't mind waking up early, as long as it's on my own and not to an alarm clock. That, I can't stand.

I did pretty well, but then towards the end of the week, some friends invited me to hang out and of course I was up staying late again.
So mainly I'm just tired and I'll continue to work on this, as well as the drinking water.

I forgot to report back on my week one of this, but in my defense, I've been busy.
So I guess I accidentally did week one for two weeks. Oops? I ain't mad.

Week one was pretty good. Last spring, I was really good at getting a lot of water in because I was playing softball. Drinking water is just easier at school in general, because I have my little system. Fill up in the morning, then between French and Shakespeare, and so forth.
When I'm at home, I really have to make the conscious effort to remember to drink anything at all.
Since we did our detox last summer, I've been good about cutting out soda. My liquids are usually water, though I do drink tea often as well.

So the only hard part besides remembering, was getting used to having to pee all the time, which is something I kind of hate, haha. I sort of cut down while I was in San Francisco because it would be super inconvenient, but this will be great to keep up.

This week, I'm working on getting to bed earlier.

I'm gonna do this. Would anyone like to join me?

I'll be reporting each sunday.