Even though there's some heavy stuff about to happen in this post, I'm going to try to be as lighthearted as possible. Because it's actually really funny looking back, and it was funny at the time. Laugh with me, as it is all I can do at this point.
Last thursday, I went to my Dr. for a check-up and he decided that we should start dealing with a problem that I've had: Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). A different dr. suspected this when I was about 16, but we never really did anything about it. I know some people are put on Metformin or something, but I proceeded on with life. And it didn't really seem like a problem. I didn't know much about it - I knew that it dealt with infertility, but that seemed like the least of my concerns, at age 16.
PCOS can cause infertility, but it encompasses so much more than that, and those side effects are what I've been dealing with for the past few years. I didn't have regular periods, found it difficult to lose weight, constant problems with acne, and felt crazy mood swings that were hard to keep up with.
My dr. likes to take a holistic approach, and I'm glad he does. I've taken so much weird medicine, that I'd like to attempt to treat it naturally. I don't look down on medication, but if there's another way, I'd like to try it first. He made some suggestions as to what I should eat, including switching me back to gluten free. I felt pretty good about that at school, though it's much more expensive to do so, and it got difficult at times. Then he put me on Estrofactors, which are meant to relieve mood swings, among other things.
Last night, I started getting really annoyed. I never know what's going to be the trigger, what's going to set me off. Yesterday it was lacrosse and the fact that my brothers were being a bit rude to me. I tried to contain myself, and there was an incident where I threw an oreo at someone out of frustration, but I didn't blow up.
Then I got really upset about the fact that my family is so focused on lacrosse. Both of my brothers play, and it feels like that is all that we talk about. I started feeling selfish and thought about how no one asks me what I like to do or what I'm feeling. It was totally selfish and I knew it; the voice in my head reminded me that it wasn't about me and I needed to get over it and why was this even bothering me in the first place? It doesn't usually bother me, but last night, I had enough.
Then I googled PCOS so I could know more, and I started getting really overwhelmed. I already think bodies are weird to begin with, and their symptoms and diagrams were not helping. My mind was racing and I was starting to feel jittery and maybe a bit manic. All I wanted to do was run. (And I hate running.) I didn't want to exercise run, though, I just knew I had to take off. I put on my shoes and just went, as far as I could go.
I made it about three or four blocks, and I only slowed down to cry or catch my breath. I was listening to "Carried Away" by Passion Pit on a loop, and I was wearing fair isle socks. So I really feel bad for whatever poor soul might have encountered this hot mess, zig zagging through a dark misty neighborhood.
I arrived at a park, and I got on the swings. I sat there and cried as I pumped my legs higher and higher, until at last I started to calm down. I stayed there for about a half an hour, swinging and laughing to myself, thinking, "man, you're crazy." I was irrationally angry about the things that were bothering me, but I recognized it. And at the same time, I had to give myself some rope. We are allowed to get upset about things, but we can't let it control us.
I walked home feeling better.
The point of this is, PCOS is a problem in my life, and I have to face it head on. It's going to be a really difficult daily challenge. I'm glad I have some sort of explanation as to why my body isn't functioning properly, and why I feel crazy all the time. It's not just me. I have to find the balance between being easier on myself when it's not entirely my fault I have all these crazy feelings, and not giving myself permission to have it out on whoever crosses my path. Because most of the time, I feel like I'm a pretty nice person.
I don't know if I want this to become medically focused blog, because I have a life outside this disease. I have other interests, other things that consume my time. I like adventures and reading and playing music with my friends. But at the same time, I will have to make big lifestyle changes and maybe I'll want to talk about it. Let's see where this goes.
PCOS, I'm gonna conquer you. Just as soon as I stop crying about this baby animal video.
(P.S. It goes without saying that week 8 was a disaster, so in light of this new dietary change, I am going to try it again.)
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